


Moving Forward

by wackyjacqs



Series: Bizarre Holidays [98]
Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Episode: s01e06 The First Commandment, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-07
Updated: 2019-04-07
Packaged: 2020-01-06 12:44:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18388688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wackyjacqs/pseuds/wackyjacqs
Summary: “Killing a man is no badge of honor, Captain.”She picks up on how his voice is soft, but firm, and just before she breaks the stare she catches a glimpse of regret and horror and darkness in his eyes that she doesn’t think she was meant to see.





	Moving Forward

**Author's Note:**

> Written for ‘Make The First Move Day’ (7 April), an “all-inclusive holiday when people of all ages and backgrounds come together in making the first move towards bullying prevention and recovery in all forms.”
> 
> A little introspective piece for season 1 ‘The First Commandment’.

“Maybe we should come back and check on these guys.”

“I think we’ve done enough, don’t you?”

She doesn’t mean to be short with Daniel, but when he just stares at her, Sam can also feel the colonel’s eyes on her, studying, judging, and she has to look away. She wants to apologize to her teammate because the situation isn’t his fault, but she’s still feeling responsible for Jonas – both for his death and for the suffering he’s inflicted on the people of Avnil.

When Daniel turns and walks away, his shoulder bumps against hers and she closes her eyes at the action. She knows it’s the least she deserves.

“Something else on your mind?”

“I had the chance to end this, colonel,” she admits before she dares to look at him. “He literally asked me to do it.”

“Killing a man is no badge of honor, Captain.”

She picks up on how his voice is soft, but firm, and just before she breaks the stare she catches a glimpse of regret and horror and darkness in his eyes that she doesn’t think she was meant to see.

“I know.”

She feels his gaze fall away from her face and not for the first time she wonders what exactly his black ops days involved and the things he’s had to see and do, but she knows it is absolutely none of her business, nor is she fully sure she wants to know. She’s been on the receiving end of Jonas’ anger and frustration after his time in black ops, yet there’s something about her commanding officer that makes her _want_ to know more – because he is nothing like her ex-fiancé. She can’t explain it, but she thinks of the colonel and how he carries himself. With strength and courage and dignity, and it’s a far cry from the control and abuse Jonas used to lord over her.

“Look, I'm no expert on this thing,” he says suddenly into the silence, breaking through her thoughts and she glances at him before she stares unflinchingly at the bible he holds in his hands. “I generally remember one commandment, and I think it's the first.”

She nods as the passage comes to mind. “I am the Lord your God, and you shall take no other Gods before me.”

Sam feels him freeze by her side and she risks a glance to see a strange expression on his face. She’s just about to ask him what’s wrong, when he adds, “Okay, it's not the first one. I'm talking about the ‘no killing’ one?”

She wants to look away but his eyes bore into hers and his voice lowers so only she can hear his next words.

“No matter what the reason, every time you break it, you take one step closer to Hanson.”

He holds her gaze and she’s surprised by the emotion she finds there. He isn’t giving her false hope or platitudes or what he thinks she wants to hear. He’s giving her the reality behind their actions and the truth behind the consequences. He’s helping her to see that even though she could have chosen to end the situation with Jonas, she didn’t, because she is more than her ex ever gave her credit for. She may not see it right now, but she is a good person and her actions to not sacrifice his life, means she saved the piece of her soul that Jonas never managed to take. The discovery restores a little of her self-worth and she finds herself nodding at the colonel’s confession.

“Thanks,” she murmurs.

Sam lets her gaze roam over his face before her eyes dart down to his lips and back up just in time to see an inscrutable expression on her CO’s face. Then, as quickly as it appears, he blinks and it’s gone.

But he still makes the first move and hands her the bible, giving her the choice as to what she wants to do. The tips of her fingers brush against his as she reaches for it and she decides to take it for what it is; a reminder of what Jonas became – and what she didn’t.

She feels the colonel’s eyes on her as he moves away and she lets out a breath she doesn’t realize she’s been holding as she taps her thumb against the cover. Jonas will always be a part of her life, but now she feels that with her team – and particularly Colonel O’Neill – by her side, believing in her and trusting her, she can finally say goodbye to her past and move on.


End file.
